Tuesday, November 4, 2008

How could they?!!?

Today is a very important day for Americans all across the country. As I awoke to my alarm clock playing stars and stripes and with my American flag firmly gripped in my hand I made my way to my computer with a sense of pride in our country. That is until I saw this headline on MSNBC which caused me to lose all hope in our future: "Twinkies to shrink into 100-calorie snack packs " It goes on "Hostess Twinkies are becoming the latest product remade and repackaged into 100-calorie snack packs, a product some analysts say could do well given that more people are packing their own lunches in the slumping economy. The maker of the golden yellow, creme-filled cake is launching "Twinkie Bites" nationwide in stores on Monday. It's also introducing a snack pack featuring strawberry cupcakes as it extends the 100-calorie pack line originally aimed at women who wanted to snack more sensibly. And while Leavitt notes that the original Twinkie come in at 150 calories, people asked for a lightened version and the company got to work. They didn't want to just shrink the Twinkie, known for its elongated shape, Leavitt said, so they created three, miniature round versions. Leavitt said people enjoy having multiple bites rather than just the one product."

WHAT?!?!? I thought it was election day...not April Fool's day!! Please tell me this is some cruel joke!! I thought we lived in a democracy where all earth-shattering changes were to be voted on by the American people! I didn't vote for this!! Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, has decided that in our slumping economy American's don't want the traditional oblong 150 calorie Twinkie, but instead would rather drown our sorrows in three tiny bite sized "cakes" that total 100 calories! They say they are targeting "women who want to snack more sensibly". Who are these stupid women who are ruining the foundation of our country?? If you want to snack responsibly maybe you should be reaching for a carrot stick and not a pack of twinkies!!!!!! I am a woman who doesn't want to snack responsibly and am sickened that, not only am I being robbed of 50 cream filled calories, but now I have to exercise when I am forced to reach 3 times into a package to eat 3 Twinkie bites?! And did anyone think about how this will work when I'm driving down the road enjoying the goodness known as a Twinkie? Before I could just greedily shove one whole Twinkie into my mouth without ever breaking eye contact from the road or missing a gear as I cruised past multiple gyms on my way to get my McDonald's fix. But now?! Now, I have to attempt to balance a package of 2 more cakes on my lap as I'm "sensibly" shoving the first tiny bite sized cake into my mouth while attempting to shift gears and then having to continually look to down ensure my lap of Twinkies hasn't gotten cream filling all over my clothes or rolled onto the ground and splattered all over my Wendy's take out bag!

The article concludes by saying : "It's not some impostor like some portion control products would be," Leavitt said. "From that standpoint it eats like a Twinkie, it smells like a Twinkie, it tastes like a Twinkie. " Oh really Mr. Leavitt?!?!?! You're probably one of those people who thinks everything tastes like chicken too!! I will know the difference!! As I'm crying and attempting to drown my sorrows in calories...I'LL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE I CAN COUNT!!! THREE IS NOT ONE!!!

What's next?? Ho Hos will become bite sized and just called Hos? Or maybe we should just rename them all together since the name HoHos is quite provocative!!

Goodbye old friend. I need to drown my sorrows....in a carrot stick.


Vicki said...

Next time I read your blog I am going to make sure I have on my depends!!! I laughed until I....well you know....I couldn't laugh any more!! I think when I vote today I am going to put your name down as a write in candidate for President. You may make us pay more taxes under your Presidency, but I am SURE when you present the idea in your humorous fashion, we would actually scream out "RAISE THOSE TAXES"!! We may even look forward to April 15th!!

Shelly Howe said...

I'm so sick of other people making food choices for me. First, cereal shrinkage. An example ... Honeycomb. They used to be the size of the US half dollar. Well, guess what, NOT anymore. Then, trans fats. Ya know what ... If I want to eat them, let me. And now this. Ugh. I'm beaten down and broken. We're doomed [as Jackson would say].

Matt, Sara and Baby* said...

you are funny. (and why do we have to cut calories...if there is a true depression we are going to wish we were a little bit chubbier!)