Like many of you, I wasn't even aware that it was Earth day until I was driving my super charged Hummer around town and saw lots of people in neon vests along side the road picking up trash. Immediately I felt the spirit of Earth Day over take me and I quickly reached down on the floor of my car and grabbed all of the styrofoam cups I had and chucked them out the window of my car at the neon vests as I screamed "HAPPY EARTH DAY!!!". I know they appreciated my gesture as they all were waving their arms and yelling at me "HAPPY EARTH DAY TO YOU TOO" (at least I'm guessing that's what they were yelling, I couldn't hear because I've taken the muffler off my car to make it louder and with the plumes of smoke coming from my exhaust I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying).
Next I decided to address the issue of the hole in the ozone layer. I've never understood what the big deal is when I've come up with a VERY simple solution to the problem. I marched right into CVS and bought all of the aerosol super hold hairspray I could find. Next I went outside, uncapped the cans and sprayed that hairspray right up into the sky. If only 5 squirts can hold my flyaways down during a windstorm, imagine how well 21 cans of spray can hold together our ozone layer!! You're welcome world!
Then, I went home and as I was reading through the paper I read a big article on the environmentally-UNfriendlyness of plastic bottles and how they take THOUSANDS of years to decompose and I realized I didn't want to be killing my earth just because I refuse to drink water from a glass and instead would rather drink from a water bottle, not because I prefer the taste of bottled water, but because I think carrying around a water bottle makes me look more important and way cooler. So I gathered up every plastic bottle I could find around the house, threw them in a big heap in the back yard and burnt them!!! I laughed as I watched the giant blackish-blue billow of smoke rise to the sky and thought "Not today Mr Waste Management!!! None of my bottles are going to be sitting around slowing decomposing! I'm saving the Earth!"
Finally, in my last attempt to help the earth, I decided to rid our garage of all the old cans of oil we have lying around and properly dispose of them. So I loaded them in my Hummer, drove down to the resevior, and dumped all the old oil into the water. Ahhh....it feels good to be environmental!
